Went to my Old House

Yesterday I went to my old house. I was live there for about 21 years. I just realized that my old house is very big (bigger and more homey than my current house) and I can feel the fresh air even inside the rooms. My old house is in the army dormitory in Kediri. The location is very strategic I can go to my old schools (my kindergarten school, my elementary school, my junior high school, and my high school) by walk for about several minutes. And it’s very near with the center of town or other public places.

The condition of my old house is still the same like before. It’s quite clean even though no one lives there. I like the big garden in front of my old house, small garden and small pool beside the bathroom that located behind my old house. In the past, there were a lot of big plants in the garden in front of my old house and I always hiding my self below the plants when I feel sad or don’t want to see my parents, or crying there with Yudi. Talking about Yudi, I will never forget him, he always with me since I could remember that I live in this world. It was very wrong decision to fall in love with him. Wrong decision that makes him is going away and getting far away with me now. Yudi is the most influence people in my life. He really knows me deeply, he always with me when I got problems even though what he did just to be with me when I cried or sad, helping me and supporting me to reach my goals, he always know how to make me smile, blending with all my friends and give me a very big freedom just to be myself. We were getting far since I was in high school.. When I knew that he fall in love with my best friend and when I got in relationship with someone else to hide my feeling to him and it make him very angry with me.

But now, I’m happy to know that he has a happy life as a police. He has a lovely wife and very beautiful baby.. Wish him get a great and successful life!

I went inside my old house.. I still remember what kind of furniture that my parents ever put in every corner. There were a lot of memories. I just want to remember happy memories. So everyone who came to the memories is Yudi, Aguk, my best friends in Junior high school, and my best friends in high school. We did a lot of fun thing when my parents weren’t there. We sang together, dancing together, laughing, and many things..

I spend the longest time in my ex-bed room. I saw the door still the same like before. I saw my broke door and still remember it was because my parents kicking that door to make me get out of my room. I wasn’t see all my handwritings on the wall.. I wrote how hate I was to this life… I wrote that I hate my family and etc.. I only wrote it when I got very angry and depressed because of them. Actually I love them a lot, more than words that I can say.

Then I went to my window, where I was usually waiting for Yudi to came out from his window and asked him to come to hear all the things that happen in my life or just say hi and smiling to each other. I went to the corner where I usually cried and want to be alone.

I lock my self in my ex-room and just memorizing all my memories there.

I love my old house.. I love the building.. It was build since Netherlands era in Indonesia..I love the rocking street in front of my house.. It is very oldest style.. I love it but I realize I need to move from there.. all the atmosphere and all the memories sometimes make me feel a little pain..

See you my old house.. I’ll come again when I miss u so badly...

Who I am for you?

If I am the Sunrise, I couldn't give you warmth..
If I am the Rainbow, I couldn't coloring your day..
If I am the moon, I couldn't give you light to your nights..

So who I am for you?
I feel lost without a meaning for you..

The feeling

So, this is the feeling.. It’s kind of hard and feel so bad..

It’s not easy to express my feeling that I pressed deep inside of our heart for almost the whole of my life. It’s hard to tell somebody about what happen to me and how I feel about it.. For many years I’ve seen a lot of things and feel a lot of feeling in my home. Just see and feel bad about it without ability to let it out with share it to somebody or express it with doing something. I just keep quite and trying to do my best to make everything better. To create a life that I wanna have.. I know probably my brothers have the same feeling like me. We all same.. We feel bad for what happen in our house; we pressed all the feeling, all the sadness, and all the anger deep inside of our heart. We trying our best to fixed everything.

I never realize that all the things that happen in my house will damage my life. I don’t know.. I just feel like that.. I feel incomplete in the middle of this complete family. So, this is the feeling.. soooo bad.. and don’t know what to do about it..

I always keep my self strong. Do my best on everything that I do to pay their attention on me. I do everything that (maybe) they want me to do.. but don’t know why everything always not enough.. not enough to take their attention.. not enough to feel a little warm love from them.. not enough to make us complete as a complete family.. and not enough for many things that I want..

Sometimes I share my feeling to my close friends.. I always hope that it can make me much more better but it still not enough to make me feel better..

Sometimes it’s good for me because I learn a lot from my life experiences.. but the bad things is all these experiences give me so painful feeling..

I read a quote that “We can’t change other people, what we can do is change our self”. I always change my self to be a better person every time I know that I need to change my self.. I change so many times. But it’s never enough to have them as my real parents